I Wish I May
by Socket-52
Summary: Since their return from the Borg cube, Seven has been avoiding Kathryn. Janeway decides it's time for some answers. (J/7)


**Timeline:** Dark Frontier

 **I Wish I May**

Kathryn marched down the corridor; a purpose to her step.

She'd been preoccupied all day, it was a dangerous state to be in but her mind kept wondering back to Seven. The blonde had been aloof since their last run-in with the Borg. More than that, she'd stopped talking to Kathryn. Now she wouldn't even look at the Captain and kept to herself - she'd started to miss staff meetings, cancelled their holodeck dates… and never stopped by Kathryn's quarters anymore for philosophical discussions.

Lost in concern, Janeway turned the corner and nodded at two Ensigns she passed.

Seven was avoiding her, the Captain was certain. Usually she was attuned to the ex-drone but lately... something was off... something had shifted, something irrevocable.

Kathryn hesitated outside the doors of Cargo Bay 2; her heart raced and her stomach dropped. She couldn't understand why her body was reacting this way; for the first time in years she felt over-come by nerves. Tingles pierced her fingertips and toes as she reached out to the door controls and her hand froze.

 _This is it,_ she kept thinking, over and over. Though she wasn't entirely sure what _it_ was.

The hammering of her heart resonated in her ears, until she thought it would swell and burst.

 _Maybe I should wait till morning,_ she thought. _Like all the other mornings you've waited? How many times have we been here Katie? This is the closest we've gotten. Don't walk away now._

She took a painful breath. This would be difficult. Things hadn't been the same between them since their encounter with the Borg Queen. At first, there had been a new level of intimacy between them, Janeway smiled as she remembered ordering Seven to regenerate before tucking her in. That night had opened the door to so many possibilities, and as if recognising the transition, communication had broken down between them; they were both trying to evade this new closeness.

She reached out again, the door chimed and Seven's voice called for the visitor to enter.

Kathryn stepped cautiously into Cargo Bay 2.

Seven seemed surprised and a little uneasy to see the Captain, she was standing over a computer console, inefficiently trying to keep occupied.

The Captain smiled tentatively, Seven returned her gaze to the workstation and Kathryn felt as if she had already lost. She wasn't even sure what it was she was fighting for.

"Seven," she greeted awkwardly.

"Captain," the younger woman replied, equally as uncomfortable.

Janeway couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at the sound of timidness in Seven's voice; it was disconcerting. Kathryn moved closer to the console, she observed Seven's shoulders tense, it reminded her of when they had been trapped in Arturis's brig. It was the same feeling of invasion and familiarity Kathryn had felt when she'd had to alter Seven's ocular implant.

"You weren't in the staff briefing," Kathryn said softly but somehow it sounded like an accusation.

"I was unable to attend due to the failure of a power relay in the Astrometric's Lab. It required my immediate attention," Seven lied.

Janeway cringed internally; Seven was a terrible liar.

Kathryn stepped slowly around the console that separated them, watching Seven carefully. The younger woman didn't move; just stared down blankly at the computer readings.

"Malfunctioning power relays, defective power grids, faulty deflectors, fused conduits, damaged gel packs… when's the list going to end Seven? When are you going to stop avoiding me?"

There. She'd said it. No going back.

Kathryn reached Seven's side; she gazed at her friend. She didn't want to pressurize the blonde but how could she possibly help if Seven shut her out?

Seven felt her skin burn with the need to touch Janeway. She found it unbearable when she was this close to the Captain, her mind seemed to shut down and she was vulnerable to the reactions of her body.

Seven looked up and made eye contact with her Captain for the first time in days.

Janeway was half relieved that progress was being made and half filled with apprehension at what she found reflected in those large blue eyes she had come to know so well.

Kathryn drew back. Seven was hurt by this action.

"You should have left me behind," exclaimed the ex-drone.

Janeway was startled by this raw display of emotion. Her eyes softened and she tilted her head. "I wouldn't leave any member of this crew to the Borg… especially you."

"It would have been better for all concerned if I had stayed with the Borg. I would have been unique there… accepted. No one here cares for me - you certainly do not."

Kathryn started. She had always thought that she and Seven shared a bond and this unexpected renunciation hurt her. She wanted to shake the ex-drone until sense pierced her brain or the heart she knew existed somewhere beneath that shielded cybernetic exterior. Kathryn stepped forwards, filled with rage; she wanted to hit Seven - make her feel the same sharp pain that was now searing through her body. "After everything, after all this time - how can you say that to me?" implored Janeway.

Seven trembled at having upset her.

Kathryn felt tears rising but fought them back. "I may not declare it everyday but of course I care for you! Don't I show it in other ways? I thought you understood… I can't… I don't – Seven, how can I possibly show you how I feel? I am the Captain, I don't have that luxury," Janeway fell silent; she could feel her voice weaken and had no intention of being reduced to a wreck in front of her Astrometric's Officer.

"I wish to return to the Collective," Seven declared.

Kathryn gasped in dismay. "No!" she cried.

The blonde averted her eyes; she could not bring herself to look into those deep, penetrating eyes but nor could she allow the Captain to be damaged this way. Seven gazed at Janeway. "I cannot function properly when you are around me," she stated with her usual honesty but this time there was an underlying tone of helplessness. "I cannot live like this. I must return where I cannot feel."

Kathryn sensed Seven's vulnerability and was overwhelmed with conflicting sensations. Instinct clashed with common sense, duty with personal attachment - confusion infested her mind as she grappled to understand.

"What do you mean you cannot function?" Janeway managed; she had never seen Seven like this.

"Usually, when I am confused, you bring order to the chaos. You are my guide to human emotions… but now I find that you are causing the disorder. You alone are the source of my emotions – they depend on you for direction. If I am happy, it is because you have made me so. If I am sad, it is because you have made me so. If I – "

Kathryn held up her hand to silence Seven. This was too much. She was finding it difficult to keep her objectivity.

Seven smiled sadly. "When you risked yourself to come back for me, at first, I thought you were impulsive… even foolish. Then I realised that I would have done the same had our positions been reversed... Soon afterwards, I began to see your face everywhere – wherever I went – I do not believe you realise how deeply disconcerting it is to be repairing a power grid and have your image constantly playing in my mind – the way you move, your little mannerisms, your eyes, the way your lips curve when you smile…" Seven's voice softened. "I did not understand what was happening. I was troubled by my irrational behaviour and then it became worse. I would get excited at the prospect of seeing you, spending time with you became my primary concern – above my duties, above my friends… I believe Naomi Wildman has still not forgiven me for cancelling our Kadis-Kot match so that I could deliver a dust particle report to you ten hours earlier than expected… but I had such a longing to see you, if only briefly, that I did not consider anything else important."

Kathryn's whole body glowed with warmth.

"When I began to question my erratic behaviour I discovered that I displayed all the symptoms of 'being in love'," Seven finished, feeling partially relieved at confessing all of this, but mostly, she felt tense about Janeway's reaction.

The Captain was besieged with confusion. These were words she had no business hearing. Seven didn't really love her. It was just a crush - power as an aphrodisiac. Transference. A girlish crush that had been blown out of proportion. That's all.

"Seven," the Captain began but the blonde shook her head violently.

"Don't," Seven whispered in dismay.

"Don't what?" Kathryn asked softly.

"Don't say my name in that manner," Seven requested.

Janeway wanted so desperately to comfort her. She reached out and covered the ex-drone's hand with her own. Seven immediately withdrew her hand, with it; she took Janeway's resolve. Kathryn felt rejected, she couldn't explain it, since, technically; she was rejecting Seven.

Why did she feel so clumsy and unprepared for this situation? It was far too painful but more than that… Kathryn was scared. This insight hit her with the full force of a velocity disk, winding her in the process. She was afraid, afraid of what could be… afraid of her own emotions should she acknowledge them.

She remembered the awful moment when Neelix had suggested disconnecting Seven's alcove. She couldn't do it. It would be like admitting that Seven was gone. Really gone. It was in that instant that Kathryn had stopped lying to herself. She had realised how deep her feelings for Seven actually ran and the thought of never seeing Seven again had nearly finished her.

One look at the blonde decided everything. She had to be honest with the younger woman, for both their sakes.

"I couldn't let you go," the Captain admitted, her voice weak with the strength of the truth.

The blonde gaped in amazement at Kathryn. The Captain fixed her eyes on at the blonde before her; it was such a tender look that Seven felt she could live off the memory of that moment for the rest of her days.

Seven's intense stare gave courage to Janeway and she continued her admission. "There was no alternative; I had to go after you, bring you home - the thought of existing without you was beyond endurance. I can't function without you."

Seven held Janeway's eye as she gravitated towards her, the younger woman reached out, positioning her hands on Kathryn's forearms. Janeway's breath caught in her throat at Seven's untried touch. The blonde felt the sudden tremor run through the Captain's body.

Seven wanted Kathryn Janeway in every sense of the word. She wanted to share her life, her hopes and fears and her body with the Captain. She was certain, when she reflected on past memories, that Janeway had given indications that she felt the same.

Somewhere in the hidden depths of her human frame, Kathryn felt the reawakening of her desire for Seven. She had suppressed it for so long and now it was clawing its way to the surface. Just the simple touch of her arm had sent her body into over-drive. She found the sensations perplexing - she had never responded this quickly to Seven's touch before.

Seven's crystal gaze intensified as she searched Janeway's eyes and a look of triumph appeared on her face. "Your pupils are dilated. Your respiration has increased and your pulse is erratic!"

Janeway felt defeated. "My pulse was erratic before I came in!" she said quickly; trying to regain control of the situation, then realised that she had just strengthened Seven's case.

A smile covered the Astrometric's Officer's delicate features and she ran her hands the length of Janeway's forearms, feeling the supple muscles hidden beneath the uniform tunic.

Without hesitation, Seven slid her hands upwards until they nestled in the Captain's hair. Kathryn felt tingles encircling her skull; her skin was alive under Seven's gentle caress. The blonde seemed enamoured with the texture of Janeway's hair, she let it tumble through her fingers, enjoying the sensations it invoked.

Seven stroked Kathryn's face, leisurely tracing the line of her jaw. Her touch was so soft, so tender. She ran her fingertips across Kathryn's mouth, then gently parted the Captain's lips and leaned forward, capturing Janeway's mouth with her own. Kathryn gripped Seven's hips, feeling the blonde melt into her touch, and gave into her need.

The kiss deepened and Seven released a small moan that shook her. She pulled back from Kathryn, feeling embarrassed but found no sign of reproach in the Captain's eyes. Seven tilted her head and reclaimed Kathryn's mouth with her own.

They held each other tightly, testing the feel of each other's body. After a few minutes, Janeway drew back slightly.

"You are still uncertain?" the blonde asked.

"Not of you," Janeway corrected.

Seven smiled warmly at the Captain; her Captain. Her Kathryn.

Janeway reached up and rolled a strand of Seven's hair playfully around her index finger. "It's just that – I've never felt like this. You have a habit of unnerving me. I'm usually in control… this sort of thing is not me."

Seven drew back defensively. "What 'sort' of thing?"

Kathryn smiled coyly as she looked up into those beautiful blue eyes. "Being in love."

Seven's defences dissolved and she took the smaller woman in her arms again.

"I just don't play the starry-eyed lover very well – it always ends in disaster. That's why I've tried to avoid any romantic entanglement with you. You're too important to me, I can't lose you."

"You could never lose me, Kathryn," Seven assured, tilting her head and kissing the Captain tenderly.

After a moment, Kathryn pulled back and glanced up at her Astrometric's Officer. "I think we need to move slowly if this is going to work," she whispered, her voice husky with desire.

Seven nodded in agreement.

"How about dinner in my quarters tomorrow evening?" the Captain suggested.

Seven didn't have to think. "That would be acceptable."

Janeway smiled. "Alright then, it's a date."

Seven beamed, then realised that Kathryn would have to leave now; she tightened her grip around the Captain's waist, not wanting her to go.

Janeway felt the possessive dig of fingers into her flesh and read Seven's expression. So she stood on tiptoe and led the blonde into another passionate kiss. Forcing her lips to part from Seven's, she decided she had better leave, while they were still fully clothed.

Carefully, Kathryn disentangled herself from Seven's embrace. With great will power, she walked towards the door, Seven's eyes never leaving her flawless form.

"See you tomorrow," Janeway called over her shoulder, then exited Cargo Bay 2 happily.


End file.
